8/27 Leaving Empty
Recently we attended an event hosted by friends of ours. Caring and loving women who have been in our lives for more than 15 years. It was a four and a half hour event that required two hours of driving time. As the party was in full swing, we realized that there wasn’t any food for us to eat beyond the appetizer. The hosts, our friends, were serving a meaty luncheon entree. There were no salads or side dishes for us to settle for. As everyone made their plates and sat down, we sat there sipping our drinks feeling uncomfortable. It was awkward and it made me feel badly. We were invited, I had RSVP’d yet I ended up feeling like an unexpected and unwelcome guest.
I certainly don’t think it was their intention for us to leave feeling badly, so what needed to happen in order to alleviate this type of uncomfortable situation? What is the proper and socially acceptable way to prevent this from happening moving forward? Do I ask every time I accept an invitation….will there be anything for us to eat? (This feels rude and ingracious to say to someone who has just extended an invitation). I love to receive and accept invitations and want very much to be a gracious guest. I do not expect my host to share in my beliefs but I do expect that if you have invited me to your home to share in something as intimate as a meal, that you will provide something that I too can eat.
So I am sharing this for several reasons. The first is that it is making me feel better to let it out. But for the greater good and bigger picture, I would also appreciate your feedback very much. I am really not sure what to do. Has this happened to you? How did you manage it? Frequently there are events such as holidays where you can easily bring your own food without it being horribly awkward, but that isn’t always the case. What do you do?
The second reason I am bringing this up is because I am confident that we are not the only two people that have ever experienced this or have felt this way after a gathering. The situation felt really bad and I don’t want to replicate it. So, it means we either stop accepting invites from people we love, which isn’t likely, or figure out a way to navigate these situations with grace and gratitude.
Lastly, I know that many of you are flirting with the veg lifestyle or are in transition and I want to discuss this openly so you are not surprised or taken aback if you experience this situation.
I know that together we can think of considerate, effective ways to alleviate awkward meals and hurt feelings. I can’t always explain or change the behavior of others but I can change how I react to their behavior and I am willing to try. Making compassionate choices and sticking to them hasn’t always been the most convenient path, but it has always been worth the effort. Please share your thoughts or experiences, I know that together we can create practical solutions.
Have a delicious weekend.
Image courtesy of stockphotopro.com
Tags: compassionate eating, vegan challenge, vegan experience, vegan transition, vegan wannabe, vegetarian transition
August 27th, 2011 at 10:06 am
I like to think that people have the best intentions. For example, they may not have realized that you could not just remove the meat from your entree. To vegetarians/vegans that sounds ridiculous and even insulting, but to someone who is not veg, it probably just seems common sense, you know? I remember my late Grandma always making meat lasagna for me and instructing me to just “pick out what you don’t like.”. It used to irritate me, a lot, until I realized that this lasagna was one of her specialties, something she made very well and most people loved! She WAS being accommodating of me by being ok with me just picking out what I didn’t want. I think that gratitude is key here. I will usually make and bring something I can eat to most events I attend, and if I don’t do that, I make sure to eat well beforehand. I can still enjoy, like you mentioned, an appetizer and a drink, and conversation with my friends/family. I find it empowering to take control of my feelings around what I choose to eat or not eat, but I also try to be compassionate toward those who do not share the same feeling. It’s easier to truly enjoy people that way.
August 27th, 2011 at 12:11 pm
Jennifer,
As I was reading this I felt my heart lift. You are absolutely right and I had not thought about it in this way….taking control of your feelings is empowering. Allowing them to feel trampled on is not. It is like a mind shift from feeling not welcome to knowing that you are welcome and accepting that you need to eat before you come or bring your own food. Thank you Jennifer for sharing a very helpful way to navigate these types of situations with grace and gratitude.
August 27th, 2011 at 2:56 pm
If it isn’t an event I can bring a vegan dish without it being awkward, I eat first. Even if I’m told there will be vegan food, I’ve found that not everyone understands what it means to be vegan. (Like the wedding I went to where I was assured numerous times that the pasta would be vegan – no meat in the sauce at all. When it came out, it was smothered in cheese!) I do think people mean well and don’t intentionally want you to go hungry. If you don’t want to make a big deal of why you aren’t eating or accuse the hostess of not having food for you, sometimes it’s best to say you already ate/aren’t hungry, have a drink, and then dip into your stash of Larabars when you get back to your car (or in the bathroom, whatever).
September 1st, 2011 at 2:00 pm
If for instance I had a friend who was gluten-free, and I forgot, I would rather she or he let me know to make something gf than for our friendship to suffer. I wouldn’t want them to feel bad at my party. Its a *really* uncomfortable topic to bring up, but they might be glad that you alerted them to a problem rather than defensive. You could try to get your friends to realize it on their own by making up some story about a dinner party you had and a gluten free friend and how you made them something special and see how they react. I think its important to be honest with friends because most people can’t do the ‘everything is cool, I’ll just eat this napkin’ approach forever without building up resentments. As a sometimes clueless person myself, I really appreciate people being honest when I act thoughtlessly.
September 1st, 2011 at 7:58 pm
Amanda,
You are absolutely right. It seems like many people are not exactly sure what “vegans” eat. I think the term has gotten a bad rap and has become more indicative of a personality trait than it being as simple as someone that does not consume dairy or meat. The wonderful thing is that I see it changing every single day. It is becoming less mysterious and much more common to know, cook for and entertain vegans and vegetarians. It is a great opportunity to help those in our lives understand how to dine in a more diverse way and what our needs are. Otherwise, we will all still be sneaking into the bathrooms to stave off hunger with nuts and LARA Bars. I want to be welcome at the table and eat until I am full. I want to enjoy their company and leave feeling gratitude for the abundance we shared together. I also believe that people invite you to their homes and to their events to feel included and welcome, so I am still working on compassionate ways to share that information in an educational and caring way.
September 6th, 2011 at 8:42 pm
Sarah,
Thank you for this thoughtful and honest reply. I agree with you. I feel like most people would much rather be aware of how you truly feel than to have you holding in little hurts or resentments that can build up. Not feeling cared for or included in family or friends gatherings can do that. I also think that people want to be kind and caring hosts. If they don’t know how we feel than how can they change anything? It is uncomfortable to tell someone we care for that something they did or did not do made you feel badly or unwelcome. I continue to work on how to do this gracefully. I hope that together we can help make changes at the table, for ourselves, our friends and family, so we can all share in veg-friendly (or gluten free) options for all to enjoy. Thanks Sarah.