Exploits of a Vegan Wannabe

Kale Trail Update

As  we drove to the Metropark for our first 13 mile run the wind howled and the Veggie Van shook. I thought,”Why today wind and rain? Why today?”

I would have thought that since a week ago we had just rocked out 12 miles that 13 would be just another training run, but not for me. I had built it up to a defining moment. The 13 miler carried more baggage than a cargo hold. Perhaps it was my lingering propensity for self sabotage or just plain old fear. Either way, I needed this to feel smoother and more possible than it did.

The dark, moist sky spit on us as we did our 10 minute warm up walk, my panic mounting. My legs hurt and my feet felt like bloody stumps stuffed into my Asics.  We began  to run and I tried to settle in to a pace I could maintain for the next three hours.

Somehow, I continued to run. I ran through horrible pain, a head swimming in anxiety and a heart drowning in insecurity. I bribed myself with a new running watch to reward myself for finishing in order to continue to run. As I ran the last step of 13 miles I was overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry.  This was unexpectedly one of the most challenging, frustrating and painful runs I have done since we began training.

I felt so deflated, this was much more painful and daunting than I had hoped it would be.   Not only that, but because it was so hard, it made me feel like a terrible runner. I thought to myself, “I knew it….I knew you were no good at this.”  What should have been a celebration felt so sad and painful in my heart. I bullied myself and won. The next day was my big vegan dessert bar at the Glass Academy so I tucked the negative feelings away and moved through my weekend.

Yesterday in my inbox there was an email advertisement from Cafe Press that was offering 25% off of a $50 order from their selection of expressive running T-shirts. Really? I stared at the screen and looked through their shirts one by one. I saw one that said, ” The miracle isn’t that I finished 13.1…. It’s that I had the courage to start.”

My throat involuntarily began to tighten and it was in that moment that I realized how badly and unfairly I had been treating myself. I hadn’t seen it before, didn’t know that it was bottled up in me until that startling epiphany, reading this message.  It was so contrary to the negative self-talk that I had been playing over and over in my head and heart.  It struck me speechless in its kindness and acknowledging the true spirit of courage. It was how I truly felt, but was the polar opposite of what I had been saying to myself. The internal tapes are so ingrained that they play without us knowing. Actually realizing and acknowledging what I had been saying made it possible for me make a different choice. I choose to treat myself compassionately with love and   respect.  I’m proud of me for being out there, for lacing up my shoes and donning my running clothes, for having the courage to start……and even finish. That is how I want to treat myself and speak to myself moving forward.

Struggling is not the same as failing and the only true failure would have been never having tried at all. It is easy for me to share with you why you should be gentle and loving with yourself as you change and grow. It is infinitely more difficult to be compassionate with myself as I allow success and navigate my way through new experiences and feelings. I have continued to think about the saying on the shirt ever since and perhaps will soon be gifting it to myself to wear with my new…You did it and I am really proud of you watch.

Have a delicious day.

Tags: 30 day challenge, Cafe Press, Kale Trail update, plant based diet, plant strong, vegan challenge, vegan experience, vegan wannabe